Two Nights In Shanghai

I got this phone call about a month and a half ago. It was from Grant Oliver so, already I knew something was brewing...

We chatted small talk for a bit, until he got to one of his points. He was going to come to Hong Kong for a week or so.

I immediately started making plans to clock in some extra hours of sleep before he arrived. Whenever Grant visits it’s like that…

You are pushed to your limits of sleep depravation and physical exhaustion.

I believe that there are 2 kinds of people in the world.

There are people like Grant and then there are people, like me.

Grant always wants to push himself and others around him through any form of self imposed limitations… mentally, physically and every other ‘ally’.

I, on the other hand, can think of nothing better than sitting on a beach, having a foot massage, a cold drink in the one hand and a tube of sun tan lotion in the other. I always encourage people to do as little as humanly possible.

Come to think of it, it’s strange that we are such good friends…

I think maybe Grant likes to think that one day he can break through to me and I will wholeheartedly embrace pain, tribulation, famine, nakedness and sword…

And maybe I think the same way… except instead of pain and endurance and stuff, he will learn the art of sleeping in late, never leaving the house and ordering in.

I’m not giving in, but he eventually will.

Anyway, back to the point of this story, I knew that there was something else secretly hidden behind his ‘little visit’. I’ve been tricked too many times before.

I could hear it in the tone of his voice.

He asked how I felt about a boy’s weekend in Shanghai, as he was going there to see a business fair.

I immediately thought that maybe we would have to catch a siffy 2 day train to get there, or jump on a boat, cause, where’s the adventure in just simply flying there, right?

Apparently I was wrong. We were going to fly there… and we were going to be staying at the Hilton…

I think I’m finally starting to wear him down…

Awesome, sounded good.

Fast forward to flight day.

I had to book off a sick at school to go on this trip. I will not inform you as to how I did this.

Just believe me when I say that I am not proud of what I did.

We headed out nice and early… half past 5 to be exact. Just thought I’d point that out.

Jacs gave me a black and white film to use with our analog camera while I was there. She was bummed about not being able to go, but, I reassured her that I would take her away as soon as we were able.

We get on the plane, no worries and the flight was about 2 and a half hours.

The airport was empty and so was the plane.Grant tried to get an exit seat because of his height, but the lady was not interested in his story.

The plane was basically a cargo plane with lots of seats… no TV, no entertainment… nada.

When we landed behind the bamboo curtain, the captain told us that some officials were going to be boarding to check for any swine flu cases. When they arrived they went beyond any of our expectations… these guys came on in full on condom suits. They were armed with really massive temperature guns as well.

They checked everyone and we thought that that was the end of it, until we noticed that they were hovering near someone near the exit doors… and they hovered for about 30 – 40 minutes.

Everyone on the plane thought it was rather humorous at first, but then they started to get the eat or be eaten look in their eyes and things suddenly got serious… everyone started pulling out the diaper sized face masks out of their bags, and some people started sneaking away from their seats and headed for the back of the plane. No matter where you are in the world, it is always reassuring to know that, when push comes to shove, we are all the same.

We were one of the only white people on the plane so we knew that we couldn’t move without it being noticed.

So we waited and waited and then, the guys in the condoms cordoned off a section of the plane for quarantine purposes… we were about 3-4 rows shy of the

quarantine zone.

We put the epic into epidemic.

Leaving the plane, looking into the faces of those who had to stay behind I felt like we had just won the lottery.

We shacked up at the Hilton, which wasn’t as nice as I had always imagined, but, it had a massive flat screen TV and we also had aircon. I was set.

That night we decided to have a look around the town.

Let me list the good stuff first, and then I’ll move on to the bad.

1. The buildings are incredible. In Hong Kong the architecture is very ugly, boring and simply functional. Over here, there were all different kinds of buildings… One was just over 800 meters high. The Eifel tower is only 300. It was just nice to see stuff like that again. It made me miss Durban.

2. Old shanghai was cool.

3. Um, that's about it really.

Now the bad stuff…

1. The buildings may be nice, but you can’t see them properly because there is just so much frikkin pollution. We did not see the sky the whole time we were there, and you could stare right at the sun without a problem.

2.The prices for everything were just mental. Honest, I have never seen absurd prices like that before. I heard China was cheap, maybe away from the big cities, but everywhere else was just stupid. A coke was anywhere between 22 to 40 bucks… We did find a local spar vibe after the first day at the fair… 2.50 bucks for a bottle coke… that was more like it. We liked it so much that we bought snacks and about 20 bottles of coke and orange juice and we piled it into our bar fridge back at the hotel.

3. Stinky tofu… it was worse here then in Hong Kong. It truly smelt like a public toilet in Umlazi… It goes against everything I was ever taught about eating.. don’t eat something that smells like it came out the other end… for real.

4. We went out to try and find a bar where we could have a quiet drink, and every single frikkin bar had tons of prozzie girls wanting you to come in and buy them drinks. It was pretty damn sad.

Anyway, I make it sound worse than it actually is… I just moan a lot, as Jacqui keeps telling me.

One of my life dreams was unexpectedly fulfilled on the second night we were there.

We got back from the fair at about 5 o’clock and decided to have a kip until 9. We heard that things only get going at about 1 or 2 in the morning. So, on that information, we took a taxi and headed out to a place called Old Shanghai… it was about a 20 minute trip to get there.

When we did get there, it looked awesome and that we had hit the jackpot, until, about 3 minutes after we got out of the taxi, we found that the whole place had shut down for the night.

A little deterred but not wholly disheartened, we took out our ‘trusty’ map out and spotted a place that wasn’t too far from where we were. So, we decided to walk it.

And walk it we did.

We were now in the real back alley’s of Shanghai. It was dirty, smelly and wasn’t on the tourist map for a damn good reason.

After about 30 minutes, we found this ferry that would take you to the other side of the main river. We were not too keen for that, so, we decided to ask a rickshaw driver to take us to the spot we pointed to on the map.

His rickshaw was a 125 motorbike with a rickshaw fitted over the back seat. We squeezed into the space and made the bike pull a fierce wheelie.

Things were not looking good.

The bike driver assured us that all would be alright, and put his 45 kg body in the driver’s seat.

We decided to go for it, but crapped ourselves after every bump that we would smear our faces on the sidewalk.

We pointed to this place on the map and he nodded his head in agreement.

When he stopped, we looked outside and found ourselves in exactly the same place that the taxi dropped us off in old Shanghai. The exact same place.

After cursing our luck and a wasted 2 hours, we decided that we should now try a taxi as they appear to be more reliable... we were wrong yet again.

The taxi took us to a new spot, but instead of the big city night life we were led to expect, we ended up at a place that kinda looked like an airport... a deserted airport. A big dirty deserted airport.

We didn't even bother getting out of the car this time; we both looked at each other and knew where we were heading next...

The Hilton. What a frikking waste of an evening.

We got back to the hotel and decided that the best plan of action would be to go have a cigar on the roof and then go to bed.

We went to the top floor, and guess what? They don't seem to build roofs anymore. The top floor looked like a Santon doctor's waiting room. We sat down on a couch, looked out over the city, put our cigars away and sighed a deep sigh of defeat.

The city had won.

After mulling over the night for 20 minutes or so, we suddenly heard from down a flight of stairs what sounded like a live band.

Grant wanted to have a look, but I didn't feel discovering that I had walked into some shmuck's penthouse suite while he was entertaining his guests.... So Grant went, and a few minutes later, he called me and told me to come down.

I walked down the stairs, thinking grant was schmoozing the penthouse owner when it was actually a jazz lounge with the live band in the front. The lights were dim, there were about 5 other people chatting softly amongst themselves over a few cognacs.. and there was our reward for a truly horrible evening.

We went and sat a few meters away from the band, the nat king cole lookalike crooner on the double bass gave me a courteous nod while he played, Grant and I sat down, lit our cigars and followed our silky 20s styled full length dressed 'nightingale' down into what seemed like a dream.

What a night...

We spoke to them afterwards, and you wouldn't believe it, well, we didn't. They were from Cape Town! ha, what are the chances?

The guy on the double bass was Lionel, the chick who sang was Lynette or something like that, and the dude on the piano I can't recall at all.

Grant started off speaking to Lionel, but when he tried to go and speak with the chick who was singing, Lionel kept blocking him from getting too close... Grant was gutted. He painfully repeated this following phrase intermittently for the rest of the trip...

"Lionel was a little too protective of his songbird."

We finally went to bed, a sense of fulfillment replacing defeat. We had won.

What a night.

The next day we hit Old Shanghai, again, and this time fortune favored the brave.

It was like going back in time, I imagine. China must have looked simply magnificent in the old days.

I have posted some photos below... they were all taken with an analog camera with black and white film. It was cool... except for all the other westerners... and starbucks, and McDonalds just around the corner...

That afternoon, we headed for the airport. We took a taxi to the maglev, which is a bullet train. We clocked in at 301 km/h. That was like cruise control really... the top speed during peak time is about 400 - 450km/h.

It felt, as Grant put it, like low flying. Awesome experience.

And then, we came home.

The end.

Sorry if it ended a little abruptly, but, you know, sometimes the truth hurts. Them's the facts. We came home.

So, the first place sucked...

But our second house rocks.

We searched high and low. We either couldn't afford a decent place, or the ones that we could afford were like smelly tofu cardboard boxes.

But, the work finally paid off... and we scored a sweet ass deal.
We are the first people to live in it and we were finally out of the city.

Welcome home.

The one perk of being a teacher...

So, we work our asses off, we feel like our parents when we get home from work...
where the hell are all the perks in life?

I'll tell you... school holidays.

Since we arrived in Hong Kong, we have seen many of our friends, and on numerous occasions, desert us for exotic getaways while we stay behind and look after their smelly pets.
Enough is enough.
We wanted our own little slice of paradise... and we made sure that we got it.

Destination: Remark Puzi, Bang Bao, Koh Chang Island, Thailand.

Objective: Nothing... the thought in itself is like going on holiday.

So, we planned as best we could, bought our tickets, and waited. Patience is an overrated virtue... I think we literally would have died if we had to wait another day more than we did.

We jumped on the plane, looking forward to the prospect of experiencing nine days of heaven on earth.

The flight was just how I like them... short and distracting.
It was a 2 hour flight, and I started watching "Frost Nixon". As fate would have it, it was a 2 hour 15 minute film... so I missed the whole climax of the film at the end and was left seriously wanting. Jacs, as usual, slept the whole way.

We booked ourselves into a backpackers in Sukumvit 11, namely Suk 11 hostel, in Bangkok. We didn't know when we booked, but this was Bangkok's prozzie ghetto. There were really miff old men with these very pretty, young thai girls everywhere. It was seriously off putting.

After sweating the night away in our cardboard-box-lined-room, and having a sweaty poo down the passage in the morning (there is nothing worse than sweating while you are trying to do your thing) we boarded a mini bus that would take us on a 5 hour drive down to Koh Chang... another 5 hours wasted... things were getting desperate... for me anyway, guess what jacqui did? yup, slept.

Eventually, with pins and needles eating away at my rump, we arrived at the ferry terminal that would take us to the island. We smelt the turquoise water, we felt the tropical breeze in our hair... the island was calling (say this last bit in a jamacian accent) I felt like we were in a rum advert or something. It was breathtaking.

When we got to the island, we jumped on a bukkie taxi and headed for our cheap little shack. It was similar to how I imagined the first little piggy's house would have looked. Very basic, no aircon, no hot water and it was made out of hay. Ok, not really. Leaves then. Palm leaves... I would have preferred hay.
Luckily, they did have a spray nozzle for your ass... no holding back on the extras at this place.
It was simple, but exactly what we wanted. It was great.

Needless to say, the whole trip was the best trip we have ever had. We went to a popular beach near the beginning of our stay, but there were so many beautiful people around that we couldn't enjoy ourselves... however, we did manage to find a beach that we affectionately named "Average Joes".
It was a wonderful beach, but the best part about it was that the patrons of this specific beach were all fat, old germans and sweeds in speedos. Perfect.

To cut a long story short, we snorkeled, nearly got eaten by ravenous fish, had buckets of water chucked on us (due to the thai new year festival where you are supposedly meant to spray water on other people for good luck and it also serves as a way to chuck a massive bucket of water on a person you don't like when they are driving a bike with bad brakes down the highway)... good clean fun.
Most of the people we saw doing all the massive water dumping were drunk foreigners. Typical.
We also had 2 thai massages. The first one, in dodgy bangkok, was more like a brothel than a clinical massage service. The second one was awesome - on the beach, 1 hour, R30.

On the last day and night, we moved further up the island so that we would be closer to the ferry. We booked into this place called "Tiger Bungalows". It really did smell like a wet tiger had died in the bungalow. It was horrific.
I don't know if all of you know this, but, Jacs is petrified of spiders... terrified to the point of sleep deprivation paranoia... and this place wasn't giving off the impression that spiders wouldn't be welcome there. So, as it was our 1st year anniversary, I booked us into a hotel and spa resort for one night without jacqui knowing. It was the perfect end to the perfect holiday. We spend the day lounging in a rim flow pool that overlooked white sand beaches, an endless ocean and it finished off with a postcard sunset.
In our room there was aircon, robes, slippers and a two seater jacuzi. Could it get any better than that?

The next morning we very sadly parted with our new love, Koh Chang, and headed back to Bangkok for one more night... while the country was trying to deal with an attempted coup of sorts.

What a trip.
What a jol.

P.S: I managed to see the end of Frost Nixon on the flight back... well worth the wait.

The man with a head like a (*&^%$# orange

My sincere thanks to Scott Mallen for introducing me to the world according to Karl Pilkington.
My life has never be the same.

"If you think he's a genius, you're an idiot."
- Ricky Gervais

Visa's, weddings and the smell of old stuff

Dearest family, friends, acquaintances and others,

Greetings yet again from the orient,

Firstly, congratulations to all our newly wed friends. Good game guys.

Secondly, we must apologise for the growing irregularities with regards to the release of these episodes... but sometimes when you hit that writers block over and over with your forehead for a few weeks, well... it doesn't really help... whoever did say that is damn liar.

But, finally, we have some substance worth mentioning...

Breathe a sigh of relief... we officially have our 12 month working visa's. It only took a week and a half in the end, which is a miracle... truly.

Jacs and I have felt a massive weight just fall from our shoulders. Work is hard but going well. Holidays in two weeks... woohoo.

What news other than that? Well, glad you asked.... um... ah...

Nothing much hey.

The chinks are still doing their chinkie thing, you know, working.

Just a quick side note... That is all they do. These locals. Work and shop. It's hard to tell if they work to shop or shop to work...

I have just re-read what I have written, and I have to be honest with you, It just dont make no sense...

But neither do their priorities.

I suppose I can elaborate on our visa run just this last weekend to Macau... If you are bored already, don't feel obliged to carry on reading, I understand. Just skip to the last paragraph.

Just off the coast of Hong Kong there is a former Portugese colony called, you guessed it, Macau. I feels like a dirty Hong Kong. I mean, it's nice and all, but, you get the feeling like you have just left Sandton and have fallen into the bronx. I was going to say the bluff, but, half of my family originally hails from the bluff, so, one can't shoot oneself in the foot without feeling a hint pain and relative stupidity.

This was the third time that we have actually been there, but the previous two times were on a very strict budget. The first time, we ended up sitting on the pavement outside a Caltex garage sharing a packet of lays and a coke. Which was nice.

The second time we arrived at half past seven in the evening on a Wednesday. So, you know that it's going to be a rough one. We ended up at a McDonald's, and spent about an hour trying to find out how to get back to the ferry to go home.

Now by this time, we weren't really that psyched for doing all of that again... and luckily, it didn't turn out at all like the other escapades. Jacqui, armed with a map, directed us to the town centre. Now this is what I was talking about... white and black Mosaic streets, ancient buildings and... wait for it... An actual ruin... It is called the Ruins of St. Paul. Built by Jesuit priests or monks or whatever, in 1623... or thereabouts. Most of the original building was destroyed in a fire in the 1800's but thethe top of the stairs and touched the pillars thethe oldest thing I have ever touched. facade remained mostly intact. When I finally got to held it up, it occurred to me that besides rocks and mountains and stuff, this was

I'm sure others would have been able to put that last bit somewhat more poetically, but, there it is.

Anyway, after Jacqui finally managed to restrain me from fondling the wall in front of hundreds of people, we headed for the local museum... which, I must tell you, was frikking awesome. I like museums, I'm not sure why exactly, but, I do. It was built upon the original fortress from the same period as the church, and they even had the original cannons mounted in the square. I know I have used original quite a bit in this last segment, sorry. I was going to say 'but' again as well, HOWEVER I have flogged that horse to pulp too. Ah, To hell with it.

So, needless to say, we had a jol, and my views on Macau have been altered ever so slightly.

Ok, I have just started to klap my head against that block again, so, I'm just going to end it there.

From both of us, we wish you all a very very very very very very merry Christmas. And to our parentals... aren't you lucky that you have 2 less important presents to buy this year? Count your blessings.

We miss all of you and even more so now as this season breaks upon us like porcelain on a heap of scratchy things which makes your ears hurt. And apt metaphor I think.

Please forgive us if we have been neglecting some of you with regards to replying to your messages. We will get to them as soon as we can, and please don;t feel like we are ignoring you or that we just don't care about you anymore... I know alot of people get emotional around this time of the year, so, if we cause you tears... you are probably over-reacting.

After that last message, I know you probably won't believe this next bit but, we love you all, in different measures, but you don't know the difference do you? So, just imagine that your cup is full.

Adieu, Adieu... (Pretentious, sure, but it sounds good innit?)

Vintage Abuse - It still brings a tear...

Back home, a vespa was treated with some style and respect.

Over here... they're treated like cheap hookers.

So sad.

So sad.

Our first home (box) - and a whole heap of abuse

Dear all you lovely people who are interested in our little hum drum lives,

Ok, firstly, don't expect anything from this email, that way, you won't be disappointed.

Secondly, to our families, I finally managed to secure a job which pays very well. So, breathe a sigh of relief that we won't be calling any of you for a loan. I will be teaching kindergarten kids (the last thing that both you and I expected, trust me.) But, it will do for now until I find a good drama job teaching older kids.

Thirdly, Jacqui seems to be enjoying here job a bit more, so, chances are she won't be quitting any time soon either. But, parentals, don't expect grandchildren until you are all 90.

Anyways, jacs has kindly taken some pictures of our new home for you all to oogle at. Liz, give us some time... don't judge us yet ok? :) ha ha

We feel really stoked about the whole setup. The place came fully furnished... and I mean everything. Pots, pans, bedding, beds, tv, sofa, washing machine (admittedly all the buttons are written in Chinese, but, hey? You can't get everything, right?)

But, enough about us... like a good friend of mine said recently, and I quote... "Everyone has attempted to inform me that the onus of keeping in contact lies with the person who occupies the 'abroad' status. Well I say balls to that."

I couldn't have said it better.

So, send us all of YOUR hum drum news, we would really like to hear from you. For real.

Oh, and can someone please inform GRANT OLIVER that he needs to stop being such a fat head and reply to my messages... :) Just because I'm gone doesn't give him the right to disown me... I won't be treated like some piece of meat... cheap meat... cheap and nasty meat...

Oh, and forward that aforementioned message on to Jimmy and Michelle Duguid... except the fat head part... that's just not true.

Finally, to all of you beautiful people who are getting married soon, we wish we could be there... I mean, if you wanted to sponsor us a return ticket to attend your reception because your dance floor would feel demoralised and ugly without our hot moves gracing its surface, then, we might be open to that. I mean, it's like giving out alms... you won't go to hell because you didn't, but, it sure looks better if you do...

And remember, it's your day, so do whatever you want... except make long speeches... please... for the children.

Finally Finally... we have stolen someone's wireless internet in our apartment so we are hooked up to skype now... if anyone wants to add us, drop us a line...

Cool, if I've managed to offend anyone once or repeatedly by now, just remember... Jacqui read through it and was supposed to edit it... so, blame her.

And Nicola Hattin (this to be said in a patronising way), please don't make the subject of your messages to us about how badly I've spelled something... it's just not cricket... remember, I'm teaching children English, so, you can't argue with me... I'm sort of an authority on and an ambassador for the language now... :) love you nooms

Ok, for real this time, totsiens almal, ons sal julle later sien...

Cheers...